Johnny Sins

A nerdy noodle

“Errorist” – a person who repeatedly makes mistakes. That’s me – a term I coined for myself because whenever I saw a girl I was interested in and fancied dating, I would mess it all up. I could get so clumsy at the sight of my crush that my friends nicknamed me Toothless Bulldog. My transformation story is something that should surely be recorded in the Guinness book of records, a transformation that earned me the nickname “Johnny Sins” in Australia. It will certainly serve as a motivation for all “toothless bulldogs” out there, and a great lesson for others. Let’s take it back to 2011, KNUST campus, where it all began.

A 22 year-old virgin, never kissed, never dated, never felt love, just a sad hopeless romantic looking for love on campus.

Unfortunately, my luck for finding love always took a bitter turn whenever I came close to finding one.

My first crush

Here I was, chasing my first crush in class, Ama Serwaa. She turned and winked at me during a lecture, then blew me a kiss. I returned her kiss and then she started sticking her tongue out at me, looked around to see if we were being watched, but no, we weren’t. Then I stuck my tongue out too in the most sensual way. “Michael! Can you please tell us what better way design can be taught without technology?” My lecturer must have noticed me day-dreaming and sticking my tongue out into the air in Ama’s direction. Everyone turned their heads to look at me, waiting for me to give an answer.

“Stand up Michael!”  Mr. Appiah is our design lecturer, a very annoying old man who was always trying to get on my last nerve. I stood up slowly, trying to hide my boner, but the little guy was just not getting flaccid on time and yeah, everyone in the class saw it and laughed, what a shame!

Ama looked at me and then looked down at my crouch area and burst into laughter too. That was probably my most embarrassing day in class. I don’t recall speaking with her again.

Eddy came through again

A year on, I set my sights on Freda.

Though a church girl, Freda always dressed to kill and I would just sit on my balcony and watch her walk away to lectures. We resided in the same hostel – Hall Seven, but as usual, I could not gather the courage to speak with her.

“I have her number bro, I could give it to you, and help you court her” said Eddy, my best friend. He always had my back and understood how important it was for me to at least find someone I could be with.

He gave me Freda’s number and I immediately started texting her. As supportive as he always was, he took my phone and sent her flattering messages and asked her out on a date at Accra Mall during our holidays on my behalf.

That J.Lo look

Freda accepted the invite, thanks to Eddy, and we scheduled for one hot Saturday after we had completed school. She came in a simple white top and blue tight jeans but rocked it as though she was Jennifer Lopez. The site of her in those jeans had me biting my lower lip. I had already rehearsed all I was going to say to her with Eddy, and was super confident it was going to be a great date.

The plan was obviously to profess my feelings to her. We sat and talked for two hours straight until she opted to leave. I found that to be too early as we had not even gotten to the part where I was to propose a relationship to her. But I walked her to the mall entrance and gave her a goodbye hug. “I’ve parked my car on the other side so I’ll leave you here”, I lied obviously. “It’s my father’s jaguar so I need to hurry and return it.”

Busted!

I did not want her to know I came in a trotro as I felt that would be embarrassing if she knew. She sat in her nice car while I watched on, buckled up and sped off. I hanged around the mall for a few more minutes just for her to completely evacuate the environs, before I went to the bus station. I was so excited about how my first date had gone and called Eddy about it.

We spoke the whole time from the mall to the bus stop, narrating how well the date went and how I did exactly what he asked me to do (except for the proposal part, of course). I sat at the front seat of the trotro with my right hand on the window and away, we moved. While in traffic waiting for the lights to turn green, and on phone with Eddy, I could feel someone staring at me from the car to my right.

I turned and to my utmost surprise, it was Freda, in her Honda Civic, staring, smiling and shaking her head at me. At that moment, I wished the Earth would just open up and swallow me. “Eeerr….bro, Freda just saw me sitting in a trotro after I lied to her I was driving a jaguar” – I informed Eddy and quickly hanged up before he got the opportunity to add literal insults to injury. Freda and I never spoke again, I never gathered the courage to even call her. Once again, another embarrassment.

My first heartbreak

Despite my constant embarrassing love-hunting episodes, love did come through for me eventually. It happened while doing my National Service. Sally was a fine and decent lady at my work place. We were both new to the job and found ourselves being assigned to the same projects. We started spending a lot more time together, going on dates, house visits, and even attending church services together. Six months into our friendship and we were already tripping in love with each other. We started dating right away and it became an open secret in the office. She gave me my very first kiss, my very first experience of love, and we vowed to love each other to the very end.

Now here’s the interesting part, the deal breaker, the turning point in my life, the saddest period in my life. We  were just five months into our relationship when the issues started. I had profoundly expressed my desire to remain celibate to her, until I walked her down the aisle, which she had agreed to, but she intermittently tried to force me into having sex whenever she was feeling concupiscent.

Love is a scam

I’d always assumed Sally and I were both strangers to sexual intimacy until I decided to answer a call on her phone while she was in the shower. It happened to be her ex, and he mysteriously hang up upon hearing a male voice. I questioned her about it when she came out from the shower, but she obviously denied all accusations. “If you are not hiding anything from me, then why don’t you open your chat with him so I check.”

Surprisingly, she did not even hesitate, she opened her chat with him and handed the phone over to me. But as smart as I am, I closed the chat and went straight to her chat with Emily, her best friend. I just searched for “love” as a keyword, and to my surprise, I read a thread of conversations of her confessing how she was still in love with her ex. My heart started pounding so hard I feared I might lose consciousness and drop to the floor.

She snatched the phone from my hand, looked on it and immediately her facial expression changed. “I can explain” was all she kept saying to me. But my heart was too heavy at that moment to even think of listening to any lies, all I needed to know was one thing, which was weighing heavily on my heart at the time,…”did you fuck him?” It was as though the world had gone quiet, waiting for her reply. I swear I think I could even hear her heart beat.

She took a deep breath and then replied, “yes” I felt my soul leave my body. I broke down into uncontrollable tears and could only ask her “why?”

My whole life came crumbling down after that reply. My heart felt so heavy and I hurt so bad. It was at that time that I think I felt what people refer to as a broken heart.

The Steve Harvey video

Mid year 2017 was my year of redemption. I got admitted into the University of Sydney, Australia, where I majored in Computer Engineering. It was a two-year masters degree program. My objective was to stay on to do my PHD. The opportunity came at the right moment in my life, when I needed that fresh start, that brand new beginning in a different environment, new people, and no pressure from my peers. That heartbreak had had a toll on me and I had lost weight drastically. However, I bounced back and reinvented myself completely!

A Steve Harvey interview I chanced on on YouTube changed my life. I stopped pleasing people and started pleasing myself, started taking good care of myself and learnt how to be more selfish. The gym became my second home, eating well became my way of life, bought clothes and shoes, and even started going on solo dates. I got myself a job and used my earnings to get myself the most expensive perfumes and clothes. While I watched some grooming tips on YouTube, I was able to start learning how to properly walk, eat, and act like a gentleman.

The evolution of Mr. Sins

My hair was always well trimmed, every week and dressed to kill for every occasion. I put out only the flyest photos on my Instagram and before I could imagine, I had gained an extra three thousand followers within a year. I had girls from diverse nationalities sending me personal messages about how they admired me. This was how a broken hearted ‘toothless bulldog’ from Dansoman gained so much confidence upon entering his second year in Sydney.

I used the attention I was getting from women to the fullest, I had my way with all of them and it was so easy. From Cynthia to Barbara to Vanessa to May, one by one, I lined them up, and banged them all like I was in an adult movie, and played the role of Johnny Sins.

My Mojo was discovered and I used it to have a whole lot of fun, it was as though I had been reborn. I had so many one-night stands, threesomes, orgies, just name them.

‘Hoe phase’

I once had sex with a lady who was getting married the following day to my very good friend at the time, and even had sex with four ladies from my class, all in one night – that was the day I realised I had reached my “hoe phase” climax.

In spite of all the womanising, I took my studies seriously and became a straight A’s student. I was a “teachers’ pet” and all my lecturers loved me. Never did I forsake any of my lectures and never did I leave my assignments undone. I further stayed on for an extra four years for a PHD. I was a well respected and hardworking student on campus. These two alter egos I had, was what made me into that person all the ladies were dying to have.

On my thirtieth birthday, I received five cakes from five different ladies I was smashing, and two other gifts from anonymous ladies. I sat down in my room with my head facing the ground, in a state of reflection, thinking about my life and my new age. I had turned thirty and about to complete my PHD, with a likelihood of being employed in the same country. But what saddened me was the idea of not finding the one I wanted to marry. I was getting tired of sleeping around and decided to find someone to settle down with.

The Hunt

“Eddy, I’m coming home bro. Let’s link up and talk, there’s something I would want to discuss with you.” I had decided to go back home to Accra to find myself a good wife, and Eddy was certainly my go-to person to hang out with. I left without saying goodbyes to any of my numerous girls, and hopped onto the next plane to Accra.

“But how can you leave a whole Sydney, with so many fine women just to come to Ghana to look for some broke lady scorching in the sun to marry. Are you mad?” He retorted.

I still came to Ghana and we went to Honey Suckle and ordered a plate of fried chicken each, as we discussed my pressing issue. Eddy did not understand my reasons for coming back. I had to explain to him over and over again. “Look bro, the ladies in that country are all deadass bad. I have slept with people’s wives, people’s girlfriends, ain’t no way I’m trusting any woman in that country to be my wife.”  My past flings had made me very insecure about women. I needed to get myself a good woman, one who was God-fearing, respectful, and most importantly, untouched by any man.

The virgin

Yes, my wish was to find me a virgin, one with whom I would not have to worry about what she had done in her past, and with who. I needed someone who’d be there for me, worship me and not quarrel with me. One who would put me first above everything, one who would love me unconditionally, one with no baby daddy or ex issues. And with the money and prestige I had garnered for myself, I knew finding one would not be a Herculean task.

Eddy and I went to church on my second Sunday in Ghana, in hopes of me finding a suitable wife. Honestly, I was awed by the bevy of ladies at Action Chapel. So many fine ladies, all dressed up so well and looked decent. But my attention was caught by one beautiful lady who was in the choir. I continually watched her on my far right, until she noticed I was staring. Her beauty was so striking and could not go unnoticed. I started imagining kissing those small lips, watched her climb up when the choir was called on stage and could see her bulging hump behind her even in a robe. I quickly whispered to Eddy, “I’m going to make a move on this lady in the choir, the one in braids to the far right.”

Are you a virgin?

And that move was all it took for us to become close friends. Pearl, Pearl Agbanah, a very fine and refined ewe lady, very educated and prayerful indeed. We started going on dates and I made my intentions known to her, that I wanted to wife her and take her with me to Sydney. She warmed up to me eventually and started opening up to me.

She opened up about her past relationships and how she had been disrespected on many occasions. I then told her about my preference in a woman and her face lit up. In curiosity, I asked her why, she said, “so basically you’re looking for a virgin?” I laughed and replied, “not necessarily, but someone who has just not been around.” She laughed hard, touching her face in the process. She just shook her head and said “nothing” when I asked her why. I got so inquisitive in knowing if she falls in that category after her response. I could not hold my thoughts to myself any longer and asked, “are you a virgin?” She smiled, and said, “you’ll find out sooner.”

There’s only one way to find out

We busted the door open and let ourselves in while kissing vigorously. I shut the door with my left leg and started taking off my clothes. I lifted her up and dropped her in front of the bed while she got naked. She pulled down my boxer shorts and boy, did she know how to suck a lollipop! We got our grooves on and hopped on to the bed. I looked at her while thrusting into her. She was a bit tight though, but honestly did not seem naive to everything. I looked down and saw a stain of blood on the bed sheet, I smiled, and that was when I knew I had met my wife.

She agreed to my proposal and we got married in January this year, just four months ago. Preparations were a bit tedious as I also had to travel to Sydney on two occasions for work. The wedding was classy but simple and very nice. I was marrying the perfect wife material I had dreamed of, and I could not wait to have kids with her. No more hoeing, no more sleeping around, no more stealing girlfriends, I was done with them all and now settled. Just a month and we were both off to Sydney to start our marital journey. No one told me how sweet marriage was until I experienced it myself. I must admit, our two months was my best time with her.

De javu

Pearl is a full time therapist, so she was usually getting frequent calls from many clients even though she had relocated to another country. Our time together was mostly interrupted by frequent calls from couples especially in troubled marriages. But it got annoying one time when she had to attend to one lady while we were in the middle of kissing. She apologised and said she had completely forgotten she had a planned session with the lady.

I then moved into the bedroom while she had her session, and waited. While at it, I heard Pearl comfort the lady but my attention was completely drawn to the conversation when I heard her tell the lady she faced the same problem of being used by men. “It’s okay dear, men will always be men. I also used to be used by them before I became born again, it’s okay wipe your tears. I’m going to help you gain your confidence back, having a large body count should not make you suicidal.”

“I also used to be used by them before I became born again.” – that statement she made got me feeling all types of anxiety. I made my way into the hall when she was done but I had a completely straight face. My mind was racing. ‘What in heaven’s name does she mean by she was used?” I kept overthinking and it was driving me nuts. ‘You’re just overthinking, she’s probably just talking about her heartbreaks.’  I said this to myself, trying to kill off the anxiety, but it rather got me more nervous. There was only one way to find out about what I was low-key scared of so I waited until she hit the showers and I unlocked her phone, went straight to her best friend’s chat and typed “sex.” It’s as thought I was having a deja vu. I swear I had relived this moment before. Yes! It was with Sally. Here I was, after so many years, reliving that sad moment with my newly wedded wife.

My face lit up

I scrolled through the chats, looking for something incriminating, and boy did I get exactly what I was looking for!

I found a conversation where she was describing her ex’s sex and I had my mouth wide open. “Wow! this cannot be happening” – thinking to myself. I stopped reading and waited for her to come out from the shower. “I thought she was a virgin?” – My mind was racing at that moment. She got out of the shower naked and ready to have a quick one with me, but noticed how vexed I looked and put her towel back on. I sat her down and began to interrogate her.

“Can you explain to me why you made claims you had been used by several men? What did you mean by that?” She exhaled and said, “aaaah baby you really scared me, I thought I had done something bad. Yes, she had been used by men and on top of that felt very much ashamed of her body count, making her insecure.” Okay now I got even more confused. “But what has that got to do with you being used as well? Are you trying to tell me…..” my face lit up, I could not believe I was actually thinking of it and it was happening. “Yes baby, yes, I also slept with men in my past life, something I am not proud of.” I immediately stood up and burst into laughter. I laughed so hard while pacing up and down the room, with my hand on my face.

Surely should be a lie

“I cannot believe I almost fell for this. You cannot possibly lie about your sexuality and also pour fake blood on the bed while doing it the first time.” I couldn’t stop laughing. I sat on the bed, wiped the little tears that came out my eyes as I laughed, and cleared my throat. Pearl was silent the whole time and waited for me to calm down, and then dropped the bombshell.

“I have had my fair share of fun. During my time on Legon campus, I slept with countless guys until I got saved in my final year. I became born again and turned over a new leaf. In addition, I decided to sing at church and minister to people, just to keep myself in check from doing all the wrongful things I used to do. I was afraid of losing you if I had opened up about my past to you, that was why I told you I wanted you to find out for yourself about my sexuality. And oh, about the blood, I was having my menses. I’m sorry if I misled you. But this is no big deal honey.”

I immediately felt a sudden cold sensation run through my body. My head started pounding and my tummy started rumbling, I needed to use the toilet immediately. I tried to put myself together and asked her, “what is your body count if I may ask?” She laughed, shook her head and told me, “how could I possibly remember baby, I really don’t remember.” I immediately stood up again, and put my hands on my head in dismay. She further added, “a good friend of mine at the time introduced me to doing hookups on campus, and then graduated to hooking up with ministers and pastors. I’ve had my fair share of one-night-stands, threesomes, baby I’ve done it all. It’s really a life I do not want to remember babe, it’s all in the past, let’s move on please.”

Mrs. Sins

I could not believe what I was hearing, I married a total stranger. She then stood up, walked to me, grabbed my hand and said, “I know about all you did in your past life too, Eddy told me everything, I had to do a background check on the man I was marrying. You can also not remember your body count yet my situation is worse? Come on baby, we’re made for each other, you and me. Let’s enjoy this marriage.” She leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

It’s been two weeks since that discussion and I am still not over it. “If she was able to keep all that from me, I’m completely scared now of what she is capable of doing to me”. I’m so submissive to her now and do everything she pleases. I never asked her again about her past – the thought of her being pounded by two men at a go was a sight I wish I had never imagined. I thought I had escaped that side of my life and now I’m living with someone who’s also running away from that life. As my mother always says, “who should you sleep with for who to come and marry?”

I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell a story twenty years to come, about “The sweet marriage of Johnny and Pearl Sins.”